Nineteen

Aloha!

this is monika speaking!

(idk how to start, but . . .)

As a normal human being, i also celebrate my annual birthday (it's not that, i celebrate it with cake and candles and some balloons) only some "happy birthday" from my family and friends, then feeling a lil bit grateful after that. I'm actually not that kind of person who loves celebrate my birthday by make a party for myself, family and friends. My mom asked me if i want to buy a birthday cake to celebrate it, and i said no, because i have always been like this... i will only celebrate it when i want to, and usually i'll make a plan from january HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes.

If i feel like i shouldn't celebrate it, then i won't.

So...what i want to write here is.... adalah segala ke gundahan hati ini #ceileh.... but first i'm gonna write about something that hit me, the day before my b'day. That night my parents were having a 'war' and my mom cried, and i always hate her for doing that. I mean she's always being childish, drag me in into her problem with my dad, i know they are my parents but it isn't something that i should know because sometimes they're arguing over something unimportant and childish. But then something hit me hard, then i start to wake up.... some thoughts cross my mind. And one of them is... the thought "my mom needs a friend" and then i start to think, about how she deals with her everyday problem, how she argues over something useless, and how she overreacts when my dad come home late. She is need a friend, she needs someone who understands her, she wants someone on her side that won't tell that she's wrong or blame her. Technically i failed as a daughter. I only think about myself, i only think that i'm the only person who got many problems, i only think that i'm the saddest person in house, then i don't want someone drag me in into their problem because i think i already have so much burdens on my shoulders. At the end it led me being a selfish bitch. Ungrateful prick.

I didn't imagine i'm an adult now. And being an adult means:

You realized that...

your mother is not as strong as you think

your father needs you to help him out of his own problems

your parents are weak



Yes, they are weak, and you... you need to help them. I mean, i always think my parents are a great couple, a great person, like... they know how to handle their own problems, they know how to deal with life more than i do. But as i grew up i realized that they are not that 'great'. We as their children need to stop thinking that "my parents don't need my help, they know how to deal with their own problems more than i do". BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT. They need help too... but they never ask. And i think it's kinda sad knowing that there are people who need help but they never ask for it, and that people is our parents.

I just realized this.... all of this.
I've always thought, why should i help them? i'm their child, that's their problem, that's not my place, they are my parents they'll know how to handle it.

But now i know that my parents' problems are my problems too...

Being a 19-year-old girl.

Well, i think this is what they say about "Growing up" both physically and mentally. Physically, i've changed since 5 or 6 years ago HAHAHAHA yeah but still, this chubby cheeks and fat-belly won't go from my body and face. Lol. What else? uhm.. oh yea I'm taller than when i was in 7th grade of junior high school, i was 150 and now i'm 158. Yes 8 cm taller in 5 years , i'm so happy.

After graduated from high school and start working, i start to apply some makeup (i mean bb cream, eyeshadow and blush on kkkkk~), I can draw my own eyebrows!!! i get some compliments from my friends about it HAHAHAHAHA. What else huh? uhm... i'm still left-handed but somewhat my right hand is stronger than my left hand idk why.

the left one taken in january 2015,
and the right one idk but i think, it was taken in 2009

Aaaand this is me now

i only put bb cream muehehehe (taken in last monday)

yeah, i've changed.


OH YAAA GW FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT GW SEKARANG JADI COLLEGE GIRL!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Yes yes i'm a college girl now! I study at Univ. Bhayangkara Jakarta Raya, faculty of Psychology. Started since september 7th , yeah been 2 two weeks puahahaha... so far...so good. And.... as a college girl i have my own essentials, here they are...

this is tiny notes i use to write something really important

This is my notebook

 People usually use binder for school like this as their notebook

 (sebenernya gue juga pengen beli yang kaya gitu, tapi apa daya...... gue jijik sama bolong nya itu)

I don't know if i have tyrophobia or what-ever-ppl-called-it, but the thing is that holes are disgusting and got me goosebumps whenever i look at it. So i choose main aman aja , besides the notebook i bought is indeed a cutie pie, muehehehe it's colorfullsssss, and it's imported from korea! Yas!

 i don't have much to say about my college life, but i'm thinking to write more in the future.

Can we skip this college girl thingy?? and move on?

OKAY! That was about how i physically changed and start being a college girl . Now shall we start to how i mentally changed?

i think...... *drum rolls* i've changed sooooooooooooo much,,, WAIT i think it's supposed to be "growing up" not "changed", yes it is...  i've grown up from daddy's lil girl to daddy's big girl.

At this age, i feel some significant changes inside me, some good and some bad. I often found or realize the new (real) meaning of every things i was looking for. From the simplest thing 'till the hard one. Yet i'm still learning imnida~ now i'm able to control my words... my anger (except to my brother, cus i hate him. okno) jadi lebih sering mengamati ketimbang berpartisipasi. Tapi yang lucunya adalah gue tetep jadi orang yang easy going (bentar ini kenapa campur bahasa gini nulisnya ??). Well, in my previous post i wrote about how i became anti-social, and not as easy going as i used to. But then i realized that i AM still an easy going person, it's just i hate people around me at that time, so i chose to being quite and i pulled my self out of circle, but being an "easy going" person is not define in one situation only, an easy going person is define by how she/he reacts to new people and how she/he interacts with them in every single occasion. I find there are people who hard to reach, like they keep their own circle for themselves so we as an easy going person think it's frustrating. We need to try  hard to get their attention, and we feel like we're worthless, but actually that's how some people live their life. That's happen to me... i always frustrated when people did not notice my presence, i always want to reach and talk with new people i met. I want to get closer with them and want them to notice my presence. I'm not affraid to open my mouth first to start a conversation. That's the simple definition of an easy going person.


(capek ngetik...)


Intinya.... i'm happy and grateful for whatever happened to me and what i've been through . All the pain are worth it. Every struggle make me strong and wise. I'm happy that i don't have a "beautiful" life instead i have a valuable life, i'm happy for that! . I'm grateful because Allah gave me my parents, an imperfect kind of creature who always fight and argue over each other, drag me in into their problem. My mom who always told me that i'm not pretty, i look old, and whatsoever. My dad who did not able to buy me a laptop, the newest shoes, bags and clothes. They are perfect in their own imperfection. They give me so much life lessons, they show me how to be strong when life gone wrong. I also need to focus to my future since now i have college life, and i'm working too. Studying while working and working while studying. And i must reach my goals.



The last... I'm officially declare that i'm in! ! ! I'm an adult now so i'll start to act like one.




-xoxo Monika