Nineteen

Aloha!

this is monika speaking!

(idk how to start, but . . .)

As a normal human being, i also celebrate my annual birthday (it's not that, i celebrate it with cake and candles and some balloons) only some "happy birthday" from my family and friends, then feeling a lil bit grateful after that. I'm actually not that kind of person who loves celebrate my birthday by make a party for myself, family and friends. My mom asked me if i want to buy a birthday cake to celebrate it, and i said no, because i have always been like this... i will only celebrate it when i want to, and usually i'll make a plan from january HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes.

If i feel like i shouldn't celebrate it, then i won't.

So...what i want to write here is.... adalah segala ke gundahan hati ini #ceileh.... but first i'm gonna write about something that hit me, the day before my b'day. That night my parents were having a 'war' and my mom cried, and i always hate her for doing that. I mean she's always being childish, drag me in into her problem with my dad, i know they are my parents but it isn't something that i should know because sometimes they're arguing over something unimportant and childish. But then something hit me hard, then i start to wake up.... some thoughts cross my mind. And one of them is... the thought "my mom needs a friend" and then i start to think, about how she deals with her everyday problem, how she argues over something useless, and how she overreacts when my dad come home late. She is need a friend, she needs someone who understands her, she wants someone on her side that won't tell that she's wrong or blame her. Technically i failed as a daughter. I only think about myself, i only think that i'm the only person who got many problems, i only think that i'm the saddest person in house, then i don't want someone drag me in into their problem because i think i already have so much burdens on my shoulders. At the end it led me being a selfish bitch. Ungrateful prick.

I didn't imagine i'm an adult now. And being an adult means:

You realized that...

your mother is not as strong as you think

your father needs you to help him out of his own problems

your parents are weak



Yes, they are weak, and you... you need to help them. I mean, i always think my parents are a great couple, a great person, like... they know how to handle their own problems, they know how to deal with life more than i do. But as i grew up i realized that they are not that 'great'. We as their children need to stop thinking that "my parents don't need my help, they know how to deal with their own problems more than i do". BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT. They need help too... but they never ask. And i think it's kinda sad knowing that there are people who need help but they never ask for it, and that people is our parents.

I just realized this.... all of this.
I've always thought, why should i help them? i'm their child, that's their problem, that's not my place, they are my parents they'll know how to handle it.

But now i know that my parents' problems are my problems too...

Being a 19-year-old girl.

Well, i think this is what they say about "Growing up" both physically and mentally. Physically, i've changed since 5 or 6 years ago HAHAHAHA yeah but still, this chubby cheeks and fat-belly won't go from my body and face. Lol. What else? uhm.. oh yea I'm taller than when i was in 7th grade of junior high school, i was 150 and now i'm 158. Yes 8 cm taller in 5 years , i'm so happy.

After graduated from high school and start working, i start to apply some makeup (i mean bb cream, eyeshadow and blush on kkkkk~), I can draw my own eyebrows!!! i get some compliments from my friends about it HAHAHAHAHA. What else huh? uhm... i'm still left-handed but somewhat my right hand is stronger than my left hand idk why.

the left one taken in january 2015,
and the right one idk but i think, it was taken in 2009

Aaaand this is me now

i only put bb cream muehehehe (taken in last monday)

yeah, i've changed.


OH YAAA GW FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT GW SEKARANG JADI COLLEGE GIRL!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Yes yes i'm a college girl now! I study at Univ. Bhayangkara Jakarta Raya, faculty of Psychology. Started since september 7th , yeah been 2 two weeks puahahaha... so far...so good. And.... as a college girl i have my own essentials, here they are...

this is tiny notes i use to write something really important

This is my notebook

 People usually use binder for school like this as their notebook

 (sebenernya gue juga pengen beli yang kaya gitu, tapi apa daya...... gue jijik sama bolong nya itu)

I don't know if i have tyrophobia or what-ever-ppl-called-it, but the thing is that holes are disgusting and got me goosebumps whenever i look at it. So i choose main aman aja , besides the notebook i bought is indeed a cutie pie, muehehehe it's colorfullsssss, and it's imported from korea! Yas!

 i don't have much to say about my college life, but i'm thinking to write more in the future.

Can we skip this college girl thingy?? and move on?

OKAY! That was about how i physically changed and start being a college girl . Now shall we start to how i mentally changed?

i think...... *drum rolls* i've changed sooooooooooooo much,,, WAIT i think it's supposed to be "growing up" not "changed", yes it is...  i've grown up from daddy's lil girl to daddy's big girl.

At this age, i feel some significant changes inside me, some good and some bad. I often found or realize the new (real) meaning of every things i was looking for. From the simplest thing 'till the hard one. Yet i'm still learning imnida~ now i'm able to control my words... my anger (except to my brother, cus i hate him. okno) jadi lebih sering mengamati ketimbang berpartisipasi. Tapi yang lucunya adalah gue tetep jadi orang yang easy going (bentar ini kenapa campur bahasa gini nulisnya ??). Well, in my previous post i wrote about how i became anti-social, and not as easy going as i used to. But then i realized that i AM still an easy going person, it's just i hate people around me at that time, so i chose to being quite and i pulled my self out of circle, but being an "easy going" person is not define in one situation only, an easy going person is define by how she/he reacts to new people and how she/he interacts with them in every single occasion. I find there are people who hard to reach, like they keep their own circle for themselves so we as an easy going person think it's frustrating. We need to try  hard to get their attention, and we feel like we're worthless, but actually that's how some people live their life. That's happen to me... i always frustrated when people did not notice my presence, i always want to reach and talk with new people i met. I want to get closer with them and want them to notice my presence. I'm not affraid to open my mouth first to start a conversation. That's the simple definition of an easy going person.


(capek ngetik...)


Intinya.... i'm happy and grateful for whatever happened to me and what i've been through . All the pain are worth it. Every struggle make me strong and wise. I'm happy that i don't have a "beautiful" life instead i have a valuable life, i'm happy for that! . I'm grateful because Allah gave me my parents, an imperfect kind of creature who always fight and argue over each other, drag me in into their problem. My mom who always told me that i'm not pretty, i look old, and whatsoever. My dad who did not able to buy me a laptop, the newest shoes, bags and clothes. They are perfect in their own imperfection. They give me so much life lessons, they show me how to be strong when life gone wrong. I also need to focus to my future since now i have college life, and i'm working too. Studying while working and working while studying. And i must reach my goals.



The last... I'm officially declare that i'm in! ! ! I'm an adult now so i'll start to act like one.




-xoxo Monika

Tina Jittaleela - Gentle Sun Lyrics

Hello!

This is monika speaking!

Some of you might already know and watch the MV , so here is  the lyrics! Enjoy!

Feng lai de fang xiang , yi liu de di fang
You ni wen nuan ce wo, xiang tai yang de kua
Hui..i ha xiang cue ru, shen hai de ye liay
Wo yi bu yi bu cuong xiang man cing de sia sia

Den da yang kua, suan ku wo de zuang
Zhai men ho kao ching ni chen ba

Reff :

Ni zai wo shin shang, shang wan rou de tai yang
Oh ai shu lua mi wan ye nia, bian de ken chien chay,
Wo yan fan liu la, chen wen rou de tai yang
Bian liang wo biau bua de fang shang


Feng lai de fang xiang, yi liu de di fang
You ni wen nuan ce wo, xiang tai yang de kua
Hui..i ha xiang cue ru, shen hai de ye lia
Wo yi bu yi bu cuong shang man cing de sia sia
Den da yang kua ,suan ku wo de zuang
yan shi wan cao lian che chian fang

Back to Reff

In wen you ni zai hai bai zen me buo zha
Ni she wo shia shing de shin yang

Back to Reff (2X)

MV Story Line >> here

thanks for this site

-xoxo monika

Yes Or No 2.5 [Download Link]

[UPDATE!!!!]


Halooooooo !!! Long time no see kkkkk~




This is Monika speaking~


I know it's been awhile i did not update my blog, i'm sorry fellas :(

But now i comeback with the download link of YON 2.5 yeay~~

Maybe some of you already know and watched this movie, but for you who hasn't watch it yet
Here... i give you the download Link for Yes Or No 2.5 but still, without Eng sub.
But soon as i get the full movie with sub i'll make sure to update here...

And thanks for those who post the download link on my comment section. Thank you so much guys for the info i couldn't thank you enough :D


The download link has been deleted. You can go to my another post for english subtitle!

ENGSUB >> YES OR NO 2.5 ENG SUB


-xoxo monika

Hello Guys!

Let me tell you something

Hi!
This is Monika speaking!

Due to my personal problem and also my daily schedule. Here i'm telling you that i'm going to take hiatus, so i'm not going to update my blog for a while . I'm sorry guys, whoever read this :) thanks for visiting my blog. I'll do update when i have time.

xoxo monika

Jadi Dewasa itu ngga Enak! Part 3

Haaaaaaai blooooggggg



Udah cukup lama ya ga ngepost.

Lagi mengalami masa-masa sulit nih…. Hiks

Iya kayanya emang gue yang tukang ngeluh

Gue yang gak sadar diri

Gue yang baru sadar apa itu kenyataan

Dan gue yang baru sadar bahwa dunia yang besar dan kotor ini tempatnya para pemberani, pejuang dan penjilat.

Sedangkan gue? seorang manusia yang cuma punya hati kecil, lusuh dan rapuh.

Walaupun begitu gue masih terus berusaha bertahan di dunia yang besar dan kotor ini. Dalam tanda kutip.

I’m struggling with my self lately dari awal bulan Mei sampe sekarang hati gak bisa terkontrol terus-terusan, turun turun dan turun dan bahkan ketakutan ini menggerogoti harapan hidup gue. Sial! what a coward.

Iya semakin lama dengan keadaan kaya gini ngebuat gue ga pengen ngapa-ngapain lagi selain… mati.

Gue ga kuat kalo hidup kaya gini terus, kerja kaya gini terus. Sial! kenapa apa yang gue mau gak pernah terjadi apa gue harus benci sama hal yang gue suka baru gue bisa dapetin itu semua? Gue jadi lemah dari hari ke hari sampe gue pikir gue kena bipolar karena tetiba gue down sampe bener-bener mau mati tapi nanti selang beberapa lama gue membaik lagi, ini otak GAAAAAK pernah bisa diem buat sekali aja jangan terlalu banyak berpikir. Tapi gue sadar, gue bukan kena bipolar atau penyakit mental lain nya (mungkin) gue cuma lagi ngalamin stress iya stress. Lulus dari SMK adalah akhir dari kehidupan nikmat gue ya walaupun gak betul-betul nikmat. Ah udahlah ya gak usah bahas masa lalu.

Yang jelas gue cuma bisa berharap hati gue dikuatin, pikiran gue diteguhin (bukan teguh bapaknya Rara) maksudnya gue berdoa supaya gue dijadiin orang yang bijak. Semoga .

Tapi dari masa sulit itu gue banyak belajar dan menemukan diri gue yang sebenarnya sedikit demi sedikit. It’s like a magic you think you know yourself but in fact all you do is pretending, pretending that you know yourself you just kinda let yourself flow with every situations, you just ‘live’ your life but without realizing without thinking without comparing and at the end of the day you never learn.

Eh? Atau itu cuma gue yah? cuma gue yang….yang selama ini gak pernah menyadari, berpikir dan menyamakan?

Gak pernah menyadari kenyataan

Gak pernah berpikir akan segala hal yang ada disekitar kita

Dan gak pernah mencoba menyamakan diri kita dengan orang lain?

Alhasil sampe akhirnya gue gak pernah belajar ?

ATAU mungkin karena selama ini disekolah semua manusia yang gue temuin masih polos sama seperti gue dan mereka pun masih belajar sehingga gue pun juga gak bisa melakukan itu semua? Atau mungkin juga karena selama ini gue itu jadi robot?

Tidur > Makan> Nonton Tv> Ke sekolah > Belajar > Kerjain PR> Kerjain segala macem Ujian sekolah> berteman sama orang yang gue temuin disekolah,

sampe pada akhirnya gue ulangin hal itu terus-menerus selama 12 tahun ini?

Ah iya betul juga, selama ini gue jadi Robot, Robot yang dinamakan Anak sekolah. Karena selama ini gue jadi Robot jadi gue gak pernah tahu jadi manusia yang sebenarnya tuh kaya apa. Ini yang paling gue sesali kenapa disekolah, kenapa di SMK kita gak pernah diajarin tentang cara mengatasi masa dewasa? Cara bersepakat dengan masalah yang akan dihadapi saat dewasa, kayak masalah

1. “BAHWA UANG ADALAH SEGALAGALAGALAGALANYA ” di Sekolah masalah kayak gitu Cuma terjadi pada saat bayar SPP, beli buku, sama jajan (baju sekolah dan ATK sih bisa irit dan gak jadi masalah) dan which is…. ditanggung sama Ortu. Selama ini disekolah kita disuruh “JANGAN PIKIRIN HAL KAYAK GITU YANG PENTING KALIAN BELAJAR YANG BENAR” daaaaan pada saat kerja gue kaget…. Bahwa senista inilah hidup gue hanya karena uang. Karena uang gue harus terima segala macam hal nya yang gue males buat bicarain.



Lalu masalah



2. “KALIAN GAK PUNYA TEMAN APALAGI SAHABAT” di sekolah kita selalu ketemu orang yang akhirnya kita panggil teman, disuruh kerja kelompok disuruh segala-galanya sampe kita kecanduan, kecanduan akan ‘teman’ kalo sekolah gak punya teman tuh rasanya gak enak. PADAHAL KENYATAAN NYA dimasa dewasa semua serba sendiri yang tersisa cuma orang tua manusia yang kita panggil teman itu pergi melanglang buana entah kemana cuma beberapa dari mereka yang masih ingat dengan kita tapi tetap dimasa dewasa kita dipaksa menghilangkan kecanduan kita terhadap ‘teman’.



Dan juga masalah



3. “CITA-CITA ITU DIDAPAT OLEH ORANG YANG PANTAS, JADI GAK SEMUA DARI KITA BISA GAPAI CITA-CITA” sekolah adalah suatu jembatan yang katanya untuk menggapi cita-cita kita, tapi disekolah gak ada satu guru pun yang bilang sama kita bahwa gak semua orang bisa gapai cita-cita. Bahasa jelasnya adalah kayak gini…

“kalo kita punya cita-cita dengan sekolah aja gak cukup nak, kamu harus jadi orang yang pemberani, pemberani kayak apa? Kamu gak perlu susah payah disekolah contek sana contek sini supaya nilaimu bagus. Kamu gak perlu susah payah cari muka supaya dipandang orang. Kamu gak perlu repot-repot mikirin angka yang saya tulis di atas kertas ujian mu. Karena dimasa dewasa hal-hal itu gak penting. Cita-cita didapet bukan kayak cara kita dapet nilai dari guru jadi gak perlu ngumpulin tugas cepet-cepetan, yang penting kamu ngerti pelajaran saya. Kamu gak perlu maju kedepan kelas jawab pertanyaan saya, kamu ga perlu angkat tangan kamu untuk jawab pertanyaan saya cuma karena ingin dapat nilai dan dipandang orang kalau kamu hebat oleh orang lain, karena yang saya mau kamu ngerti dengan pemahaman kamu sendiri. Yang saya mau kamu maju kedepan karena kamu rela melakukan itu semua demi “Keseruan” saat belajar kamu sendiri. Kalau kamu pikir masalah Log, Gaya, dan juga Zat zat itu gak penting buat kamu , ya gak masalah karena tugas saya mengajarkan siapa tahu dengan saya mengajarkan mu tentang ini kamu jadi tertarik. Jadi apa yang saya ajarkan tidak harus kamu hapal tapi kalau kamu suka kamu bisa belajar memahami tapi kalau menurut kamu itu gak penting ga ada masalah untuk melupakan bahkan tidak mempelajarinya, dan yang dimaksud pemberani adalah kamu melakukan segala hal karena keinginan diri kamu sendiri tanpa paksaan dan begitu kamu akan menghadapi masalah kamu siap menghadapinya dengan caramu sendiri, belajar memahami dengan pemahaman kamu sendiri memutuskan suatu hal karena kebijakan kamu sendiri”

Disekolah semuanya bertentangan dengan apa yang gue tulis diatas. Disekolah tujuan kita cuma NILAI dari hal itu kita bisa dinobatkan sebagai yang terbaik tapi sayangnya dari that GODDAMN NILAI, semua unsur-unsur belajar jadi hilang. Semuanya cari cara buat ngejar hal itu. Dari cara yang baik sampai yang kotor sekalipun. Gue sedih.

 Dan dari curhatan gue diatas gue akhirnya menemukan diri gue, bahwa gue:

1. Memprioritaskan kenyamanan hidup tanpa Uang

2. Menyukai hal yang bersih (Gak suka muka dua, penjilat, pembohong)

3. Bukan tipe orang yang suka cari muka

4. Gue tipe pemberontak

5. Pengeluh(?)

Gue gak tau apa itu semua tipe/sifat sejati manusia atau bukan tapi yang jelas hal itu yang gue dapet dari pembelajaran kali ini. Dan semuanya berkaitan.

Point pertama. Gue gatau kenapa paling benci sama “perbudakan dan buruh” pengalaman gue kerja sebagai buruh di PT adalah awal gue menyadari diri gue. Lebih baik gue mati daripada harus kerja kayak gitu. Segala macem kerja yang terlalu memaksa kita menjadi budak , budak disini adalah kita kerja untuk orang lain dan dipaksa menomor satukan pekerjaan kita itu. GUE BEEEEENCIIIIIIIII sama hal itu. Gue ga suka ketika hak kita untuk “mengerjakan tugas kita sebaik mungkin” menjadi “lo gak punya pilihan selain ngerjain tugas ini” dua hal itu berbeda, sangat berbeda. Dan dari situ gue ngerasa gue gak cocok kerja sama orang lain which means gue harus buka usaha sendiri. Point pertama gue dapet dari point kedua ini, gue menemukan banyak orang yang kotor dan gue bisa yakinin I’m not one of them. Satu hari gue denger rekan kerja gue bicara bohong (untuk menguntungkan dirinya sendiri) sama orang lain gue inget betul gue sampe bilang dalam hati “ya tuhan jangan sampe gue berbohong sama orang lain cuma untuk terbebas dari masalah ataupun menguntungkan diri gue, jadikanlah hati dan pikiran gue kuat dan berani.” Dan gue terapkan hal itu yang mana kadang gak berjalan mulus, Iya orang dewasa lebih suka denger cerita bohong daripada kejujuran. GW KASIH SPOILER TUH.

Iya gue tahu kebohongan itu umum dan luas dan yang gue maksud adalah kebohongan orang dewasa. Bukan kebohongan yang biasa anak kecil maupun anak sekolah lakuin pada umumnya. Orang dewasa lebih suka sama penjilat karena mereka pikir mereka punya teman. Dan orang macem gue? Ya beginilah hasilnya. Kadang gue dianggap bego, polos. Padahal mereka yang kotor. Lalu point yang ketiga ini masih gue takutin dan juga gue raguin. Takut nya adalah gue takut bertemu sama orang seperti ini dan ragu nya adalah apa gue bisa menghindar dari sifat ini dimasa yang akan datang. Kalo Point ke empat ini… ah sudahlah…. Karena gue gak suka penjilat dan muka dua yang mana tipe-tipe kebanyakan orang dewasa ya gw terlihat seperti pemberontak, mungkin kaya egois sih ya… ngek. DAN untuk yang terakhir mungkin bisa dilihat dari postingan ini… orang mana yang ngeluh di blog nya sendiri kalo bukan seorang pengeluh? Ya kan? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-xoxo monika