Nineteen

Aloha!

this is monika speaking!

(idk how to start, but . . .)

As a normal human being, i also celebrate my annual birthday (it's not that, i celebrate it with cake and candles and some balloons) only some "happy birthday" from my family and friends, then feeling a lil bit grateful after that. I'm actually not that kind of person who loves celebrate my birthday by make a party for myself, family and friends. My mom asked me if i want to buy a birthday cake to celebrate it, and i said no, because i have always been like this... i will only celebrate it when i want to, and usually i'll make a plan from january HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes.

If i feel like i shouldn't celebrate it, then i won't.

So...what i want to write here is.... adalah segala ke gundahan hati ini #ceileh.... but first i'm gonna write about something that hit me, the day before my b'day. That night my parents were having a 'war' and my mom cried, and i always hate her for doing that. I mean she's always being childish, drag me in into her problem with my dad, i know they are my parents but it isn't something that i should know because sometimes they're arguing over something unimportant and childish. But then something hit me hard, then i start to wake up.... some thoughts cross my mind. And one of them is... the thought "my mom needs a friend" and then i start to think, about how she deals with her everyday problem, how she argues over something useless, and how she overreacts when my dad come home late. She is need a friend, she needs someone who understands her, she wants someone on her side that won't tell that she's wrong or blame her. Technically i failed as a daughter. I only think about myself, i only think that i'm the only person who got many problems, i only think that i'm the saddest person in house, then i don't want someone drag me in into their problem because i think i already have so much burdens on my shoulders. At the end it led me being a selfish bitch. Ungrateful prick.

I didn't imagine i'm an adult now. And being an adult means:

You realized that...

your mother is not as strong as you think

your father needs you to help him out of his own problems

your parents are weak



Yes, they are weak, and you... you need to help them. I mean, i always think my parents are a great couple, a great person, like... they know how to handle their own problems, they know how to deal with life more than i do. But as i grew up i realized that they are not that 'great'. We as their children need to stop thinking that "my parents don't need my help, they know how to deal with their own problems more than i do". BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT. They need help too... but they never ask. And i think it's kinda sad knowing that there are people who need help but they never ask for it, and that people is our parents.

I just realized this.... all of this.
I've always thought, why should i help them? i'm their child, that's their problem, that's not my place, they are my parents they'll know how to handle it.

But now i know that my parents' problems are my problems too...

Being a 19-year-old girl.

Well, i think this is what they say about "Growing up" both physically and mentally. Physically, i've changed since 5 or 6 years ago HAHAHAHA yeah but still, this chubby cheeks and fat-belly won't go from my body and face. Lol. What else? uhm.. oh yea I'm taller than when i was in 7th grade of junior high school, i was 150 and now i'm 158. Yes 8 cm taller in 5 years , i'm so happy.

After graduated from high school and start working, i start to apply some makeup (i mean bb cream, eyeshadow and blush on kkkkk~), I can draw my own eyebrows!!! i get some compliments from my friends about it HAHAHAHAHA. What else huh? uhm... i'm still left-handed but somewhat my right hand is stronger than my left hand idk why.

the left one taken in january 2015,
and the right one idk but i think, it was taken in 2009

Aaaand this is me now

i only put bb cream muehehehe (taken in last monday)

yeah, i've changed.


OH YAAA GW FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT GW SEKARANG JADI COLLEGE GIRL!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Yes yes i'm a college girl now! I study at Univ. Bhayangkara Jakarta Raya, faculty of Psychology. Started since september 7th , yeah been 2 two weeks puahahaha... so far...so good. And.... as a college girl i have my own essentials, here they are...

this is tiny notes i use to write something really important

This is my notebook

 People usually use binder for school like this as their notebook

 (sebenernya gue juga pengen beli yang kaya gitu, tapi apa daya...... gue jijik sama bolong nya itu)

I don't know if i have tyrophobia or what-ever-ppl-called-it, but the thing is that holes are disgusting and got me goosebumps whenever i look at it. So i choose main aman aja , besides the notebook i bought is indeed a cutie pie, muehehehe it's colorfullsssss, and it's imported from korea! Yas!

 i don't have much to say about my college life, but i'm thinking to write more in the future.

Can we skip this college girl thingy?? and move on?

OKAY! That was about how i physically changed and start being a college girl . Now shall we start to how i mentally changed?

i think...... *drum rolls* i've changed sooooooooooooo much,,, WAIT i think it's supposed to be "growing up" not "changed", yes it is...  i've grown up from daddy's lil girl to daddy's big girl.

At this age, i feel some significant changes inside me, some good and some bad. I often found or realize the new (real) meaning of every things i was looking for. From the simplest thing 'till the hard one. Yet i'm still learning imnida~ now i'm able to control my words... my anger (except to my brother, cus i hate him. okno) jadi lebih sering mengamati ketimbang berpartisipasi. Tapi yang lucunya adalah gue tetep jadi orang yang easy going (bentar ini kenapa campur bahasa gini nulisnya ??). Well, in my previous post i wrote about how i became anti-social, and not as easy going as i used to. But then i realized that i AM still an easy going person, it's just i hate people around me at that time, so i chose to being quite and i pulled my self out of circle, but being an "easy going" person is not define in one situation only, an easy going person is define by how she/he reacts to new people and how she/he interacts with them in every single occasion. I find there are people who hard to reach, like they keep their own circle for themselves so we as an easy going person think it's frustrating. We need to try  hard to get their attention, and we feel like we're worthless, but actually that's how some people live their life. That's happen to me... i always frustrated when people did not notice my presence, i always want to reach and talk with new people i met. I want to get closer with them and want them to notice my presence. I'm not affraid to open my mouth first to start a conversation. That's the simple definition of an easy going person.


(capek ngetik...)


Intinya.... i'm happy and grateful for whatever happened to me and what i've been through . All the pain are worth it. Every struggle make me strong and wise. I'm happy that i don't have a "beautiful" life instead i have a valuable life, i'm happy for that! . I'm grateful because Allah gave me my parents, an imperfect kind of creature who always fight and argue over each other, drag me in into their problem. My mom who always told me that i'm not pretty, i look old, and whatsoever. My dad who did not able to buy me a laptop, the newest shoes, bags and clothes. They are perfect in their own imperfection. They give me so much life lessons, they show me how to be strong when life gone wrong. I also need to focus to my future since now i have college life, and i'm working too. Studying while working and working while studying. And i must reach my goals.



The last... I'm officially declare that i'm in! ! ! I'm an adult now so i'll start to act like one.




-xoxo Monika

Jadi Dewasa itu ngga Enak! Part 3

Haaaaaaai blooooggggg



Udah cukup lama ya ga ngepost.

Lagi mengalami masa-masa sulit nih…. Hiks

Iya kayanya emang gue yang tukang ngeluh

Gue yang gak sadar diri

Gue yang baru sadar apa itu kenyataan

Dan gue yang baru sadar bahwa dunia yang besar dan kotor ini tempatnya para pemberani, pejuang dan penjilat.

Sedangkan gue? seorang manusia yang cuma punya hati kecil, lusuh dan rapuh.

Walaupun begitu gue masih terus berusaha bertahan di dunia yang besar dan kotor ini. Dalam tanda kutip.

I’m struggling with my self lately dari awal bulan Mei sampe sekarang hati gak bisa terkontrol terus-terusan, turun turun dan turun dan bahkan ketakutan ini menggerogoti harapan hidup gue. Sial! what a coward.

Iya semakin lama dengan keadaan kaya gini ngebuat gue ga pengen ngapa-ngapain lagi selain… mati.

Gue ga kuat kalo hidup kaya gini terus, kerja kaya gini terus. Sial! kenapa apa yang gue mau gak pernah terjadi apa gue harus benci sama hal yang gue suka baru gue bisa dapetin itu semua? Gue jadi lemah dari hari ke hari sampe gue pikir gue kena bipolar karena tetiba gue down sampe bener-bener mau mati tapi nanti selang beberapa lama gue membaik lagi, ini otak GAAAAAK pernah bisa diem buat sekali aja jangan terlalu banyak berpikir. Tapi gue sadar, gue bukan kena bipolar atau penyakit mental lain nya (mungkin) gue cuma lagi ngalamin stress iya stress. Lulus dari SMK adalah akhir dari kehidupan nikmat gue ya walaupun gak betul-betul nikmat. Ah udahlah ya gak usah bahas masa lalu.

Yang jelas gue cuma bisa berharap hati gue dikuatin, pikiran gue diteguhin (bukan teguh bapaknya Rara) maksudnya gue berdoa supaya gue dijadiin orang yang bijak. Semoga .

Tapi dari masa sulit itu gue banyak belajar dan menemukan diri gue yang sebenarnya sedikit demi sedikit. It’s like a magic you think you know yourself but in fact all you do is pretending, pretending that you know yourself you just kinda let yourself flow with every situations, you just ‘live’ your life but without realizing without thinking without comparing and at the end of the day you never learn.

Eh? Atau itu cuma gue yah? cuma gue yang….yang selama ini gak pernah menyadari, berpikir dan menyamakan?

Gak pernah menyadari kenyataan

Gak pernah berpikir akan segala hal yang ada disekitar kita

Dan gak pernah mencoba menyamakan diri kita dengan orang lain?

Alhasil sampe akhirnya gue gak pernah belajar ?

ATAU mungkin karena selama ini disekolah semua manusia yang gue temuin masih polos sama seperti gue dan mereka pun masih belajar sehingga gue pun juga gak bisa melakukan itu semua? Atau mungkin juga karena selama ini gue itu jadi robot?

Tidur > Makan> Nonton Tv> Ke sekolah > Belajar > Kerjain PR> Kerjain segala macem Ujian sekolah> berteman sama orang yang gue temuin disekolah,

sampe pada akhirnya gue ulangin hal itu terus-menerus selama 12 tahun ini?

Ah iya betul juga, selama ini gue jadi Robot, Robot yang dinamakan Anak sekolah. Karena selama ini gue jadi Robot jadi gue gak pernah tahu jadi manusia yang sebenarnya tuh kaya apa. Ini yang paling gue sesali kenapa disekolah, kenapa di SMK kita gak pernah diajarin tentang cara mengatasi masa dewasa? Cara bersepakat dengan masalah yang akan dihadapi saat dewasa, kayak masalah

1. “BAHWA UANG ADALAH SEGALAGALAGALAGALANYA ” di Sekolah masalah kayak gitu Cuma terjadi pada saat bayar SPP, beli buku, sama jajan (baju sekolah dan ATK sih bisa irit dan gak jadi masalah) dan which is…. ditanggung sama Ortu. Selama ini disekolah kita disuruh “JANGAN PIKIRIN HAL KAYAK GITU YANG PENTING KALIAN BELAJAR YANG BENAR” daaaaan pada saat kerja gue kaget…. Bahwa senista inilah hidup gue hanya karena uang. Karena uang gue harus terima segala macam hal nya yang gue males buat bicarain.



Lalu masalah



2. “KALIAN GAK PUNYA TEMAN APALAGI SAHABAT” di sekolah kita selalu ketemu orang yang akhirnya kita panggil teman, disuruh kerja kelompok disuruh segala-galanya sampe kita kecanduan, kecanduan akan ‘teman’ kalo sekolah gak punya teman tuh rasanya gak enak. PADAHAL KENYATAAN NYA dimasa dewasa semua serba sendiri yang tersisa cuma orang tua manusia yang kita panggil teman itu pergi melanglang buana entah kemana cuma beberapa dari mereka yang masih ingat dengan kita tapi tetap dimasa dewasa kita dipaksa menghilangkan kecanduan kita terhadap ‘teman’.



Dan juga masalah



3. “CITA-CITA ITU DIDAPAT OLEH ORANG YANG PANTAS, JADI GAK SEMUA DARI KITA BISA GAPAI CITA-CITA” sekolah adalah suatu jembatan yang katanya untuk menggapi cita-cita kita, tapi disekolah gak ada satu guru pun yang bilang sama kita bahwa gak semua orang bisa gapai cita-cita. Bahasa jelasnya adalah kayak gini…

“kalo kita punya cita-cita dengan sekolah aja gak cukup nak, kamu harus jadi orang yang pemberani, pemberani kayak apa? Kamu gak perlu susah payah disekolah contek sana contek sini supaya nilaimu bagus. Kamu gak perlu susah payah cari muka supaya dipandang orang. Kamu gak perlu repot-repot mikirin angka yang saya tulis di atas kertas ujian mu. Karena dimasa dewasa hal-hal itu gak penting. Cita-cita didapet bukan kayak cara kita dapet nilai dari guru jadi gak perlu ngumpulin tugas cepet-cepetan, yang penting kamu ngerti pelajaran saya. Kamu gak perlu maju kedepan kelas jawab pertanyaan saya, kamu ga perlu angkat tangan kamu untuk jawab pertanyaan saya cuma karena ingin dapat nilai dan dipandang orang kalau kamu hebat oleh orang lain, karena yang saya mau kamu ngerti dengan pemahaman kamu sendiri. Yang saya mau kamu maju kedepan karena kamu rela melakukan itu semua demi “Keseruan” saat belajar kamu sendiri. Kalau kamu pikir masalah Log, Gaya, dan juga Zat zat itu gak penting buat kamu , ya gak masalah karena tugas saya mengajarkan siapa tahu dengan saya mengajarkan mu tentang ini kamu jadi tertarik. Jadi apa yang saya ajarkan tidak harus kamu hapal tapi kalau kamu suka kamu bisa belajar memahami tapi kalau menurut kamu itu gak penting ga ada masalah untuk melupakan bahkan tidak mempelajarinya, dan yang dimaksud pemberani adalah kamu melakukan segala hal karena keinginan diri kamu sendiri tanpa paksaan dan begitu kamu akan menghadapi masalah kamu siap menghadapinya dengan caramu sendiri, belajar memahami dengan pemahaman kamu sendiri memutuskan suatu hal karena kebijakan kamu sendiri”

Disekolah semuanya bertentangan dengan apa yang gue tulis diatas. Disekolah tujuan kita cuma NILAI dari hal itu kita bisa dinobatkan sebagai yang terbaik tapi sayangnya dari that GODDAMN NILAI, semua unsur-unsur belajar jadi hilang. Semuanya cari cara buat ngejar hal itu. Dari cara yang baik sampai yang kotor sekalipun. Gue sedih.

 Dan dari curhatan gue diatas gue akhirnya menemukan diri gue, bahwa gue:

1. Memprioritaskan kenyamanan hidup tanpa Uang

2. Menyukai hal yang bersih (Gak suka muka dua, penjilat, pembohong)

3. Bukan tipe orang yang suka cari muka

4. Gue tipe pemberontak

5. Pengeluh(?)

Gue gak tau apa itu semua tipe/sifat sejati manusia atau bukan tapi yang jelas hal itu yang gue dapet dari pembelajaran kali ini. Dan semuanya berkaitan.

Point pertama. Gue gatau kenapa paling benci sama “perbudakan dan buruh” pengalaman gue kerja sebagai buruh di PT adalah awal gue menyadari diri gue. Lebih baik gue mati daripada harus kerja kayak gitu. Segala macem kerja yang terlalu memaksa kita menjadi budak , budak disini adalah kita kerja untuk orang lain dan dipaksa menomor satukan pekerjaan kita itu. GUE BEEEEENCIIIIIIIII sama hal itu. Gue ga suka ketika hak kita untuk “mengerjakan tugas kita sebaik mungkin” menjadi “lo gak punya pilihan selain ngerjain tugas ini” dua hal itu berbeda, sangat berbeda. Dan dari situ gue ngerasa gue gak cocok kerja sama orang lain which means gue harus buka usaha sendiri. Point pertama gue dapet dari point kedua ini, gue menemukan banyak orang yang kotor dan gue bisa yakinin I’m not one of them. Satu hari gue denger rekan kerja gue bicara bohong (untuk menguntungkan dirinya sendiri) sama orang lain gue inget betul gue sampe bilang dalam hati “ya tuhan jangan sampe gue berbohong sama orang lain cuma untuk terbebas dari masalah ataupun menguntungkan diri gue, jadikanlah hati dan pikiran gue kuat dan berani.” Dan gue terapkan hal itu yang mana kadang gak berjalan mulus, Iya orang dewasa lebih suka denger cerita bohong daripada kejujuran. GW KASIH SPOILER TUH.

Iya gue tahu kebohongan itu umum dan luas dan yang gue maksud adalah kebohongan orang dewasa. Bukan kebohongan yang biasa anak kecil maupun anak sekolah lakuin pada umumnya. Orang dewasa lebih suka sama penjilat karena mereka pikir mereka punya teman. Dan orang macem gue? Ya beginilah hasilnya. Kadang gue dianggap bego, polos. Padahal mereka yang kotor. Lalu point yang ketiga ini masih gue takutin dan juga gue raguin. Takut nya adalah gue takut bertemu sama orang seperti ini dan ragu nya adalah apa gue bisa menghindar dari sifat ini dimasa yang akan datang. Kalo Point ke empat ini… ah sudahlah…. Karena gue gak suka penjilat dan muka dua yang mana tipe-tipe kebanyakan orang dewasa ya gw terlihat seperti pemberontak, mungkin kaya egois sih ya… ngek. DAN untuk yang terakhir mungkin bisa dilihat dari postingan ini… orang mana yang ngeluh di blog nya sendiri kalo bukan seorang pengeluh? Ya kan? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-xoxo monika

Catatan kedua (Second Note- Adaptation)

This is monika speaking.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiii apa kabar? I hope you all had a great time. Amin

So, I’ve been doing this job for 2 weeks long. The progress is... so far so good, alhamdulillah, although there's always different story in every each day, and FYI it always made my heart stops everytime i go to my workplace (because i always worried about what would happen to me) but that's okay. So…… in this second weeks was the time for me adapted to the people around and the result is..... i, myself can finally open my heart for people around me *ceileh*. But sometimes my laziness still haven't properly adapted to this kind of new world, masih suka angot-angotan heuuuuuuhhh...... ya gitu it's like I’m not all-ready for this kind of stuff. But from here step by step i learn to be a good adult because in my opinion im just too childish for people at my age which's nice.

Just like what I’ve said in the previous post the people i met in my workplace are different from my friends but this is life, they are of course maturer yups, because 'the age factor' haha. Nevermind. Disetiap hal juga selalu ada dua sisi berbeda dari diri gue yang makin lama keliatan yaitu "the optimist and the pessimist" ya! when things hit me they are always in my mind fighting over each other and sometimes i almost dying inside for being crazy but they are the big affect for myself to choose every options and opportunities that life has given me. Which is nive HAHAHA

Oh yea today is Eid al Adha ! Selamat idul adha untuk para sapi dan kambing diluar sana :).
You must be wondering why i'm start posting every once a week and posting this kind of things, right? the reason is...... for this 3 months (mungkin) i only have one day free, from all of my work which is in every sunday so , that's why kemungkinan, the possibility every sunday i will come to here and tell my story well it's not that interesting story but the valuable one! so that (i hope) after 3 months i can reread all of my story here and take a look back of what i've done for this short time hahahaha brilliant rite?ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

So this time story is just like the quote above, it's all about the progress and i'm kinda agree with that, all we need to face the progress is adaptation, we need to adapt to everything around us and how we do that? by daring. Yes that's it. Sometimes is so hard for me to accept the things because, me everytime:

"this is not working ! this is not gonna be working."

But when i start to dare my self then there you go. We just need daring ourselves if we want to get out of all these shits. I know talk is easy but when it comes to the reality... well we can say it's quite complicated but if we believe and think about the good things that will come to us if we brave enough to handle all the struggle, trust me dengan sendirinya you adapted to it. Ya saya tau, i too still learning but at least i've ever felt and faced it. And it works. Pokoknya all the tears that fall down not wasted deh, because from that tears you learned to survive, there's always a good thing that waits for you, always.

xoxo -monika

Catatan pertama (First note)

 'Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one'

— Bruce Lee

I'm Back.

I know you miss me hehe:D

Talking about the quote above, i just realized that bruce lee was right, never pray for an easy life because life will never be easy, when you think your life's going easy there are two things. First. You will never get a lesson. Second. Because you have no lesson you'll never learn. Learning is the important thing for human kind to keep alive in this reality, just like how could einstein found that theory of relativity if he didn't learn how to solve it? why we should go to school and have education? because our parents want us to learn something in school that will make us become a better person in the future. How could we walk if we never try to learn how to walk?

Hello! This Monika speaking. The previous one is not me. The person who typed the paragraph above is not me xD

I'm so happy and feel relieved right now because tonight and tomorrow i'm freeee ! No more  back-breaking-job! because tomorrow i'm gonna stay at home and enjoy the moment. YEEAAAAAHHHHHH

So talking about what i have done in the past few days, there are millions tons of words i could tell you but i don't know if i can do it or not, so the only thought that came cross my mind every single time now is "reality is fucking cruel, reality is fucking cruel, reality is fucking cruel, reality is fucking cruel, reality is fucking cruel. " that words keep coming on my mind T_T okay i'm not gonna cry, but you know, this little girl need shoulder to lay this pity head on, and take a break! in my workplace i met new people who are different from what i've met in school. No! they're not being mean to me or i get scolded by them but, their gaze towards me makes feel uneasy every single time and moreover they really love mocking behind me, underestimate me and think some stupid shits about me, sometimes i wanna cry and tell them that i'm just like other people, i can do what other people do, but i can't . Everything turns out, become different from the old one, in the workplace there's no people who kinder than your school friends, and there's no people who more care than your bestfriend, all of them are careless, they don't give a fuck about you BUT if we talk about that talent "mocking behind someone' back" they are the winners. When they give their humiliating gaze towards me, there are only 2 options i have. One. I try to not give a shit and. Two. I  try to accept it. But sometimes i choose both of them, first  trying/pretending to not give a single fuck and then accept all those gazes and think that "i'm just popular and they really wanna know me". That's it, and in the end there are so many things i learned from that, for example

do not ever underestimate and humiliate someone by their weakness because, One. There's no people who worth to be humiliated and underestimated, Two. If we do it to a person we are more pathetic than that person.

And for me seeing someone do something harsh or bad to me is the sign for myself to never do that to other people because i know how the feel as being humiliated.

When you've been treated unfairly by someone:

Bad people will take a revenge by treating someone bad and do something harsh to other people.

Good people will take a lesson by never treat someone that way because they know how that feel.

Why people being Gay/Lesbian

I’m not trying to be psychologist … and I’m not trying to get attention in here but this something more-like-thoughts keep bothering me, just like in this late night where I’m supposed to be sleep but in reality I’m wide awake cause of I’m still thinking about it. Well *ehem* /coughing/ I’m gonna write this crap on here because NOW this blog is like my diary yes um…… okay so this is about Being gay…………. *long silence*…………… but first of all let me say thanks to yes or no movie and Tina Jittaleela because from that movie and her I always curious about gay-life I mean I’m not interested in such a thing but more like my curiosity is in the level UP like I kept thinking and imagining and assuming what’s exactly being gay is and also thanks to all 9gagers because of you all who keep talking about gay-life, being gay, gay marriage, gay parade, becoming gay or whatsoever thing. So this thought came up to my mind tonight:

There are 2 Types of Gay:

1. They are Gay.

2. They choose to be gay.

One day I checked 9gag just wanted to see if there were any post that can cheer me up or whaterrrr but then I found a post where the OP’s a girl and her post like I don’t really remember but it was a meme “A blondie girl liked my status on face book and now I’m becoming lesbian” and the comment section goes like….. there’s a boy who gave a comment suddenly I forget -_- well if I’m not wrong his point was “I thought sexual orientation is giving by birth, we were born with it so if you like a girl because of something else It doesn’t count you as a lesbian” at first I was like “is he dumb or something? Of course sexual orientation is not only by birth but THE ENVIRONMENT play the biggest part of why people turn being gay/lesbian” but tonight I rethinking about it and yeaa just like that -_-. Well his comment did not made me believe 100% about what he just said but it made another assumption, my assumption about being gay.

The reason of the first type

Yes We were born with it this is from my experiences, I have a friend when I was in elementary, she said she had crush on me and said she prefer a girl than boy , girl is more attractive. I was shocked because i’m still 10 y/o at that time I know nothing about like/love someone, the only thing I know that boys are more attractive than girls because I also had crush on someone but I didn’t want to date him hahaha yea because i thought he just attractive not like I want him to be my special boy-friend or something he’s just handsome with white skin and didn’t talk much i like that kind of man until now. Okay forget about my story back to my girl-friend , but the other hand I’m not really surprised because her appearance was more like a boy , yes she’s a tomboy short hair, love playing football, love sport, I mean it’s so rare to see a lil girl who likes those kind of things right? the other case happened when I’m in shs I had another friend who have similar “character” like her but it’s a boy , it was like everyone-knew-about-his-sexual- orientation I mean he acts like a girl really feminine but not that feminine I mean he’s cute and soft and have more girl friends than boys. And the last thing I know he was in relationship with a man so this thing came up to my mind. There are people who attracted to the same gender as them not because of the environment,  let's we talk about in the first case it was when I was in elementary school we don’t even know about being gay or attracted to the same/opposite gender as us, we have no idea about that, so if “the environment” takes part in this case it’s a big NO I know her family they're good , she wasn’t an abused child, she had parents and a sister (I think). When I asked why she likes me She said to me “I think girl is more attractive than boys and I prefer like a girl than have to like a boy”. She’s just 10 y/o how come ?? And the other case is… well he acted like a girl if you know what I mean he doesn’t even take a glance for girls, for him girl just like his friend because if-you-met-him-you-will-understand it’s like a big banner on his head saying “NO ROOM FOR GIRL”. So that means they are the true Gay/Lesbian , you can’t stop them because they were born with it, the only thing you supposed to do is support them i mean don't try to judge them . And this type is the reason there are some people who did transgender. IMHO

The reason for the second type

Well, you must already know about this but IMO this type comes from:

1. Bad memories/things in the past (such as physical/mental abuse when were kid, raped, sodomy etc. )

2. Experiences (got hurt by the opposite sex like really bad, can’t have a long relationship which’s make you tired).

3. Friends.

4. Coworker.

5. Friend of friend.

Yes people around us but The worst thing I’ve ever found was because of the follow-the –trend thingy, they start being gay just want to follow the trend they said it’s cool !.



Usually people who’s in this type figured out that they “feel” they like/love the same gender as them is in their early 20’s so on or when that “experience” comes to them. HAAHAHAHAHA and of course when they meet “those” people. I don’t want to be rude. And usually they still like the opposite gender as much as they like the same one. And the same thing happens with the first type, when the first type trying to love the opposite gender (man loves women) they’ll definitely still like the same one.

Why is that? Because this based on my research I have a friend on facebook but not that close I met her when I join a Tina Jitaleela’s fanpage she’s always complain about her life about how lonely she is, and one day she posted a status like this “is it wrong if we still love a person who has the same gender as us even when we were already married?” and some of girls start commenting like “it’s okay as long as your hubby allowed it” , “it’s okay if the person is me” and then comment goes more like lovey-dovey, and some times later she posted her picture with her “girlfriend” why I assume like that? because They were kissing each other’ lips yes.



Okay this is just some silly opinions of mine don’t take it serious because I’m not psychologist either God. So yeah I’ll end this post here bye bye


xoxo -monika

Happy Ramadhan ^^

Recently I feel like really want to make some short story because I have so much good Ideas on my mind about that, the plot the main characters the ending , but it’s just so difficult for me to start, I mean I don’t know how to start it. Whenever I start to write, I always end up like nothing’s going on on my mind it’s blurrrrrr and I have no idea afterwards. I told my friend about this and she said "you should write all of the point of your story" then i was like "oh okay i get it" but then i'm like "wtf was that?" -_- okay so.....

HAHAHAHAHAHA i don't really have something to tell about xD

Well, another things happened to me lately , i didn't pass SBMPTN test :( and the other thing is i also didn't pass a PTS test, it was my biggest regret cause it means that i can't be a college student for this year T_____T i think i should pray harder and of course work harder. I hope Allah will give the best for me. Amen. Whenever i have conversation with my parents about my failure getting to university they always say "You're just too lazy and didn't work hard" AND YES! IAM ! but seriously i don't know, it feels like i'm sinking into a deep laziness, but in my deepest heart i myself actually wanting to get out of this situation , i don't want to be a burden for my parents i also don't want to make problem anymore. BUT HOW???????? I DO AS I CAN, I DID MY BEST ( I THINK) WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN?

And these days i feel moreeeeeee selfish about what happens to me but the other hand i feel worried about what will happen to me too, i'm scared that i couldn't pass this reality and being a dumbass. Well i know i'm just too much worried. You know. Oh yea Happy RAMADHAN i know it's too late but who cares? as long as it still Ramadhan why not? it's the 20th, 10 days left,  nothing's good happen to me. *geez* I got sick for almost 2 weeks yeah such a tough month but i'm okay now so you don't have to be worried ^^~ and some bad  things happened to me in this month but it's okay, hope i'll be better before-after.

and this is what my foot looks like when i got diagnosed "thypus" but my parents think that i got
Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever (DHF) because of those red spots all over my body.

 

the point is i just want to post something cause i haven't post for a long time i miss this blogggggg so muccccchhhhhhh ❤❤❤❤ and this november this sweety officially 3 years old!! I'm so Happpppyyyyyyyyy ^^~

xoxo

Jadi Dewasa itu Ga Enak (Part 2)

Haaaaiiiiii

Mau terusin postingan “Jadi dewasa itu ga Enak (part1)” heheheh… postingan itu sebenernya udah lumayan lama, awalnya mau dilanjutin dekat-dekat dengan tanggal itu tapi ternyata? Who knows? bakalan dilanjutin tahun ini ? ya begitulah kira-kira hidup, cepet banget berubah. Well itu kan tahun 2012 dua tahun yang lalu, sekarang? (ga tau mau nulis apa xD) tapi yang jelas gue sekarang udah lulus SMK (oh ya sekarang lagi belajar bahasa inggris makanya beberapa postingan sebelumnya pakai bahasa inggris. Ya walaupun belum bener at least gue mau coba. Tapi sekarang mau nulis pakai bahasa Indonesia dulu). Rasanya sekarang tuh gue udah mulai memasuki hidup yang sebenar-benarnya tolong digaris bawahi dan di bold ya Hidup yang sebenarnya yap! Betul banget! gue ngerasain segalanya berubah, dan sulit ga tau ya itu cuma gue aja yang ngerasain or semua orang yang seumuran gue juga ngerasain, ini gue yang kelewat pinter makanya banyak mikir atau bodoh karena cuma bisa mikir dan khawatir tapi ga berusaha untuk menyelesaikan apa yang gue pikirin. Oke gue lebay tapi jujur deh gue ga tau kenapa bisa begini gue ngerasa awal-awal gue lulus SMK ini